The Pity Thread

[mamaquilla]

Ah SeitanicVegan hugs hugs and more hugs, your boys sound so full of life and fun, Im so happy they had you and you had them. SO much personality in such little packages !

[bird]

Originally Posted by seitanicvegan Over two years ago, I adopted three brothers from a rescued litter of rats: Stettin, Austin, and Traveler. I called this trio My Beastie Boys, just because it seemed to fit. Although my three boys looked very much alike, they each had their own personalities. All three boys eventually developed pituitary tumors, which affect balance and muscle coordination. Because of location, these are treatable, but not curable. First Stettin, then Austin, and finally Traveler.

Oh, seitanicvegan, I'm so sorry about your babies!

[Kat]

Seitanic, I'm sorry to hear about your ratties.

[bird]

Originally Posted by Rebbie I work at an orphanage for disabled children and they are closing it down next month. Not only will I be out of a job but I don't know what's going to happen to "my" kids. This really sucks.

That's terrible! I'm so sorry to hear that! Why are they closing it down?

[Vegtink]

Ahh pity. Fun to ask for when it is something silly like a full belly, which has subsided. Embarassing to ask for when it is something troubling. Once again I face a sleepless night. I feel the makings of yet another night awake. They always start the same. The anxiety builds and there I lay staring at the ceiling listening to the sounds of peacful sleepers all around.

[MissLovely]

Originally Posted by Vegtink Ahh pity. Fun to ask for when it is something silly like a full belly, which has subsided. Embarassing to ask for when it is something troubling. Once again I face a sleepless night. I feel the makings of yet another night awake. They always start the same. The anxiety builds and there I lay staring at the ceiling listening to the sounds of peacful sleepers all around.

Aww, I'm right there with ya. I haven't slept for a few days. Pity.

[Dandelion]

Pity to all the non-sleepers. Being awake is highly overrated.

[Vegtink]

I need pity today My sister-in-laws graduation party is today at 3 pm. It is being hosted by the out-laws at their house. There princess graduated college and they are very proud. Hooray for the princess I am happy for her. Going to the out-laws though is the problem. I have not been to their house since we moved out in Feb. We lived there while our house was being built. I should have known better but I thought it would be better than the first time I lived there (while we built our first house) I was wrong. I should have known that the woman who told me that I ruined her sons life and I was the reason he could not do the things he wanted to would not ever warm up to me. I was also told that there was something wrong with me. That I yell at my children all the time and I make her uncomfortable in her own home because I am cruel to her son. Though according to my husband none of these things are true this is how I am seen in her eyes. It kills me because I lover her son so much therefore I married him. I do not want a close relationship with her but acceptance for who I am would be nice. There are so many instances that I can go into where the woman hurt me emotionally but I will not bore you with the life of Heidi. I am just asking for some pity because I have to go endure her abuse today with a smile on my face and it breaks my heart that she cannot see me for who I really am.

[bluedawg]

{{{THX-1138}}} and {{{IW}}}

Vegtink, i'm sorry you have to endure that. it sucks. my main advice is to focus on your husband, remember you're a team, and also keep your awesome "let's make a deal" scenario in mind! and speaking of teamwork, does he defend you to his mom? hang in there today. {{{Vegtink}}}

[Vegtink]

He defends me if he hears something directly. If I tell him he does not because I ask him not to. I do not want to seem like a tattle tail and try to be the bigger person. It is hard though. She is indirect at times. She took my oldest daughter to a family function, hers, last weekend. On the way they had to stop at the mall for a gift for the family members party they were going to. According to my daughter, gammie said I needed a proper shirt to wear to the party. It is all those little backhanded things that get to me. Thanks though for listening. It helps to be able to vent.

[JasperKat]

Vegtik, you can't change other people's behavior, only your reaction to it. Smile, be charming, and don't let her see that she's getting to her with her little digs. Seeing you react may be part of the fun for her. Whenever I'm dealing with someone like that, I just play dumb. In the situation with your daughter and the shirt, I would have called and said "Oh, thank you so much for buying Sally a new shirt, I think it's just lovely and she looks so nice in it." Pretend that it never even crossed your mind that she did it to be rude.

Kill em' with kindness and they can't be a jerk without being obvious about it.

-JK
//unsolicited advice

[grog]

How about not going? You don't want to do, they don't like you, its a win-win.

[Vegtink]

Originally Posted by grog How about not going? You don't want to do, they don't like you, its a win-win.

I agree, but my husband unfortunately does not. I tried to get out of it. I did not receive an invitation therefore I was not invited, right? Nope denied. I did not RSVP by June 1 therefore I cannot go, right? Nope denied again. I have explosive diarrhea therefore I cannot go, right? Nope denied hubby figured out I don't really have it. I will get incrediable drunk and make an ass of myself therefore I should not go, right? Nope denied again. I will go with a fake smile on my face and just be happy that hubby agreed to go veg for 2 weeks to have me attend so he would not have to deal with explaining why I am not there again.

[grog]

<getting onsoapbox>

well...ok, I guess this is just one of those situations, but is it too obvious to state your husband is a jerk for forcing you to attend such a situation? I don't think he can deny you anything, I think adults should be able to calmly and rationally state the situation (she hates me, and it hurts my feelings, I'm not going). I'ts the worst cowardly copout for your husband to force both you and his mom to be uncomfortable, because he can't be a man about it and handle the situation.
</off box>

sorry, this isn't so much directed at you as this type of situation in the abstract, I've seen it often and it bugs me.

So much pity for being stuck.

[seitanicvegan]

I second what JK said. From my own personal experience, I know that it can work. For a number of years, I had to deal with one seriously twisted woman, the ex-wife of a former boyfriend. This woman would cut me down behind my back to my then-boyfriend, to their kids, to her own parents, to the boyfriend's mom, to everyone she could possibly think of. She would present herself as icky sweet to me in person, but she would make comments directly to me that were thinly veiled insults, or comments indirectly about me (or things that were important to me) to other people, but almost always within my hearing range. She was so bad that her own children (at 6 and 8 years of age) felt the need to protect me from her.

After asking a couple of trusted friends about how to handle this situation, I decided to let my actions speak for themselves. In person, I did not respond to this woman with anything other than politeness and cordiality. When I wasn't around her, I made a point not to make derogatory or critical remarks about her to anyone, except in private and only to the boyfriend. It was not easy. There were times when I had to force my self to say nothing and just smile. It was soooooo tempting to crucify this woman. I could not understand how anyone could be so mean, even after I had showed my support for her role as the kids' mom. I wanted to lash out, cut her down, and make her feel like dirt. But I had to remember that that was *exactly* what she wanted me to do. She wanted a war. She was waiting for a reason to stomp all over me; I never gave it to her, so she had to make it up on her own.

In the end, she revealed herself to be exactly what she was: one very thin cut above white trash. After a number of escalating problems on her end, CPS took the kids away from her and gave full custody to their dad.

Kill her with kindness, Vegtink. Your MIL may not be white trash, but people will notice the difference between your behavior (i.e., taking the high road and not engaging) and her behavior (i.e., hypocritical, backstabbing, and downright mean).